How to piss off a programmer…

This is me, venting about programming. If you’re not a coder, feel free to stop reading here.

I’m fantasizing about strangling one of my client’s programmers. I’ve no idea who he or she is, but I really wish that I could re-write all of their code from scratch. Some of their sins:

  • No comments. None. At all. Zero.
  • No parameter passing. They used over a thousand global variables instead.
  • Typecasting when there is no need. NOT typecasting when there is.
  • Apparently they skipped the coding-for-dummies chapter on state machines.
  • Using arrays to handle single values. Yep, literally defining arrays of one element.
  • Never ever accounting for garbage collection. Pointers are saved to globals and not checked.
  • Duplicating large blocks of code many times, changing just one value for each copy.

Overall, this system works by luck and not design. So I’ve just one message for this anonymous coder:

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for a working system, I can tell you I don’t have the time to fix everything. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you document your code now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.